This isn’t going to be the best final post only because I haven’t been feeling that great past week. I’ve been patiently waiting to feel settled in but it hasn’t happened yet. I miss my freshman dorm and the family that was created last year, and something is missing right now. Ever since the summer I feel like my whole world has been jolted and shaken up. Home didn’t feel like home and I was hoping that LAC would. I just cannot get used to this new room and not seeing the faces I did last year. TK lives on the other side of campus and the DeniseGirls have all jumped back into their lives here without any trouble.

Yesterday I talked to Wishy on the phone for a little while. I think he’s really happy that he transferred and after a few minutes I grew jealous of his position. In a sense, he’s having his freshman year over again, except he’s experiencing it in the city and not the secluded bubble that can be LAC. He’s gets to meet so many different people every day, but it can be a struggle to find new and interesting company here. It’s not that I’ve settled for my friends because they are amazing, it just took lots of time and effort to find those people. I think it’s good that FreshX is closing because the tone of this blog and my new blog will certainly be different. I’m not exactly as happy here as I was last year and I can’t put my finger on why.

Yesterday I also ended things with Sebastian. Well, it was mutual, I think. It wasn’t as electric and fun between us, and my heart wasn’t in it. Granted, we’ve only been back a week but I felt an emptiness the moment after we saw each other for the first time. Boys have never been on my radar but they aren’t even in my visual field now. I want to be alone, not necessarily lonely, but by myself.

Well, it’s time to put a face to this blog. I just wish it were a happier one.

My name is Carla and I’m 19 years old. I go to college in New England.

I am so grateful to Kait and Brian for allowing me to document my first year at college. When I look at the older posts I cringe and laugh and wonder what the hell was I thinking? Mostly though as I page through the entries I’m hit with an urge to just go back and relive it all.

I know I said I’d be writing at my new blog but considering how I’m feeling right now I think I need to take a little break from online journaling. I need that feeling of “home” to sink in again before I can write, so I’ll hold off on announcing the new URL. Sometime in the near future I’ll ask Kait or Brian to tell you guys that I’m blogging again, but until then I’m gonna wait for this feeling of disorientation to fall away.

Health-wise, it’s always the worst coming back to school; no matter how well the custodians clean up, all of the unfamiliar germs end up getting clogged in my nose and I spend the first few weeks sniffling and blowing. So I am investing in an air purifier for my room that way I can rest in peace instead of reaching for the tissues every hour.

As you can tell I’m up early thanks to my stuffy nose or it could be the excitement for classes. My first one is at 9:45 and it’s the Sociology class that I’ve been looking forward to. I’m not sure how well I’ll fare in the beginning classes. It feels like my brain has melted from all the summer boredom and relaxation. Is it just me or does everyone have that awkward moment the first time you pick up a pencil after three months? My handwriting looks very sloppy and kindergarten-ish at first. I hope that doesn’t occur for too long because I want to do really well this semester. I’m babysitting for two families and I have a MWF PE class, along with Lit Review and the sexual assault awareness clubs I’m in. I think the busyness will keep my day structured and focused, and hopefully I can get some mindless fun in there somewhere.

What I don’t know how to manage is Sebastian.

After a failed attempt at long distance and a short 25 minute phone call in early August after not speaking for a month, his recent behavior is throwing me for a loop. On Monday night I was a tipsy and was running to meet a friend at his dorm room. The moment I opened the door to the hallway, Sebastian opened his door to leave his room and I nearly fell over at the sight of him. We didn’t move for a moment, just looked at each other for awhile, like a standoff in those Western movies. Then without even stammering he said “Christine, I knew I missed you but I didn’t know how much until now. Right now.” I didn’t even try to play coy. I just ran over and gave him the biggest hug.

I didn’t want to take up all his time because he had just got to campus and I’m sure he wanted to see his friends, but he wouldn’t let me go. We walked around for hours talking and apologizing to each other for not being more present this summer. He kept looking at me and saying how much he thought about me, and I couldn’t help but smile the whole time. Since then we’ve fallen back into our same routine. I wouldn’t say it’s steering towards a relationship because I’m not sure I’ll ever let it get to that point. I just love how when we’re with each other it’s like the whole world falls away but we still have our own lives and don’t need to call and text each other every minute.

I’m not sure what to make of it. I like the familiarity, I like lying next to him and everything, but the butterflies aren’t really flying right now. I think the summer has left me disenchanted. It just makes me think what’s the point? Even if we stay together all year does that mean next summer we’ll be better at making the long distance work? Or will we just let it die again? I don’t think I want to go on that rollercoaster another time. For now I’m just going to enjoy his company and hope for things to start fluttering again.

This Thursday I’ll be sitting in a classroom and officially be considered a sophomore at this school. What does this mean for me? Well, technically I should know my way around campus really well but I still got a little lost today. But the most obvious conclusion is that I am no longer a freshman and, thus this site, its purposes, and of course, the name no longer applies to me.

When Kait and Brian approached me with the project my initial reaction was “What the hell are they thinking?” Sure, I write short stories every now and again, but a blog - where my life is the central focus! They were obviously sippin’ on 40z when they came up with this idea. I told them over and over that I’m boring, uninteresting, and that I wouldn’t know what to write. They curtailed my nervousness by putting unwavering trust in what they believed I could do, especially Brian, whose only experience with my “talent” was watching me read/perform a short monologue I had written in middle school. So, they may not think it, but they definitely took a leap of faith on me.

As I began writing I was anxious about many things - how would we get traffic? What should I write that will be good material for a song? But mostly, I was afraid of what the readers would think of me. Here I was, offering up snippets of my life, not everything, but certainly personal snapshots that could be used against me. None of you did that, and I sincerely want to thank all of you for being open and accepting. You guys never judged me for my drunken antics, boy drama, and amazing talent for procrastination. Although, I could’ve used a slap down to reality during the Wishy situation.

The amount of stress that LAC creates is expected but still incredibly hard to handle. It’s a school whose prestige is pretty unknown unless you religiously read U.S. News Rankings and live somewhere on the east coast. I needed this blog to help handle all of that and put certain situations in perspective. In the end, Kait and Brian were right; I am somewhat of a good blogger. I like expressing myself in this medium and so even though FreshX has to close, I’ll be moving to a new URL.

That’s right, guys. Hopefully by Friday I’ll have my new blog up and running. Admittedly, it won’t be as fancy shmancy as this one, but I think we’ll all be able to manage the downgrade. The other noted difference is that I won’t be writing under a pseudo name. I’ve thought about it a lot and revealing my identity feels like the best thing to do. It will give me more freedom to write and, I think, it’ll be a better read for you guys. Another surprise is that Kait and Brian will still be present at the new blog but the logistics of that still need to be worked out. I hope you guys will follow me there!

Well, there it is. The summer and FreshX are coming to a close. I’ll continue writing here until Friday!

Music: Wilco - On and On and On

Sorry for my last two entries lacking in substance, I just haven’t had a moment to breathe. It took about six hours to drive up here because (although my mom insists we didn’t) we got a little lost on the highway. Anyway, once I pulled up to LAC all the excitement that was brewing in my stomach completely dissipated. For some reason I wasn’t anxious to get back nor was bitter about it. I just wanted to throw my blanket on my bed and take a nap. It’s been really strange thinking of this room as my new home for a year. Every time I walk in I’m expecting to see the same layout of my freshman dorm. However, there is more space and the ceilings are really high so it opens up the room a lot more. My only main complaint, besides the less than stellar floormates, is that it’s on the third floor so it’s an actual hike to my room; carrying my bags up the flights of stairs was a bitch and took me forever.

I did succeed in decorating my room and making it more comfortable than last year. I have about a million pictures of my friends and family, and my bed is literally a cloud thanks to a foam mattress pad. The only thing I need is more posters and possibly a shoe rack. I forgot that bringing 40 pairs of shoes to school was probably a horrible idea. They’re hiding underneath my bed right now.

Well, the DeniseGirls have all made it to campus. I ran into The Jock’s room when I found out she was here and knocked her over with a hug. I missed everyone, but I missed The Jock so much, it actually hurt. I nearly cried from relief when I saw her. It’s so great how we’ve all just fallen back into last year, like these three months without each other passed by in a minute. I love these girls with everything, and it’s ridiculous to think that they’ve only been in my life for a year! Tonight I’m going to party with them and laugh and enjoy myself.

P.S. Sebastian and *drumroll* WISHY have both come back into my life in big ways. I can’t deal with it.

Classes haven’t started. Security is off for the week. So, general drunk debauchery has already begun.

The worst thing in the world may be having a bunch of guys spending hours in front of the TV playing awful videogames, along with smelling up the bathrooms and having really unfriendly personalities. I love my room, I love that the DeniseGirls are on my floor, but I CANNOT take the other people who live here.

I guess I’ll have to suck it up.

Music: The Cure – A Letter to Elise

The expression I’m packing up my life is really misleading when you think about it because, in reality, all of the things that make up our lives cannot be shoved down into suitcases. Sure, I’ve been folding clothes and gathering up my toiletries and meticulously rolling up posters for the past four days, but to claim that all of this makes up my life seems really inane.

I guess this leads to me to the question of where is my life and how do I get it into my luggage? The sad truth is that everything I wish to bring with me isn’t tangible. If I could gently pick up the tiny moments Spaz and I had over this summer and put it in my duffel bag I would. In the three months we were home, we’ve grown incredibly close to each other and she’s one of the few high school friends I believe will be in my life years from now.

I wish there was a way to catch the sound of my baby niece’s laugh and place it inside a storage bin to take with me. She has only been in our lives for two years but the love I have for her is incredible and infinite, and she’s done nothing except exist and explore the world right in front of me. I also wish I could wrap up the feel of Mamajay’s hand on my back when she comforts me because I’m sure I’ll need that touch at some point this year and it’ll kill me to know that it’s over five hours away.

There are so many other experiences, moments, and sensations that I hopelessly want to bottle up but can’t. I felt this exact urge in May when I finished the year and wondered how I could take TK and the DeniseGirls home with me. I feel like I’m not packing up my life, rather I’m packing to go back to life, another life. College and home are the only places where I’ve created bundles of memories that nurse and cradle me when I’m there. Anywhere else I feel empty and unsheathed.

Music: MGMT – Kids

Two terrible things have just occurred:

1) I just found out that my college now delivers groceries to your dorm. That’s right, folks. I can order as much PB&J, rice cakes, ramen noodles, Cap’n Crunch, and Hershey’s chocolate as I want online and have it outside my door every Wednesday. I simultaneously cried and bounced around in jubilation when I heard this. I am concerned about the new form of laziness that will undoubtedly overtake me once I use this service, but how fucking amazing will it be to have a brown bag of groceries all for me when I come home from library at 2 am!?

2) Out of a need to milk as much time out of Mamajay as I can before I leave on Saturday I am going with her to the first football game of my high school on Friday. My first thought was my mom! Hot dogs! And two hours of boys crashing into each other! Sounds great! Unfortunately, I remembered too late that these games involve small talk with old teachers who I never really liked, awkwardly seeing someone from my graduating class and trying to avert eye-contact the whole time, and getting ketchup and mustard all over the front of my shirt which, yes, will happen no matter how carefully I eat the hotdog. What did I agree to! Ahh, hopefully if I wear a hat and leave right after halftime I can get through the night without feeling like an ass. But I never get that lucky.

After reading over this I can see that these things aren’t that bad…not as bad as the passport photo I took yesterday at CVS at least. I look like I’m trying really hard not to laugh, and so the giggle is building up inside my mouth and pushing against my cheeks. Actually, I just look like a slightly inebriated puffer fish. Go, me.

Music: The Wombats - Let’s Dance to Joy Division

I was packing all of my toiletries and hygienic stuff today when I noticed that I have very little make-up. I looked up at myself in the mirror and just thought “you are not feminine.” Now I don’t doubt that I’m a girl, I promise I have all the anatomical parts that separate me from males, but in terms of the qualities that fall under the word “Feminine” I possess very little of those characteristics.

For instance, make-up has proven to be my one, true foe in life. The first time I put on mascara was in sixth grade when obnoxious eyeshadow and caked on foundation was the look all girls had in middle school. Reluctantly I bought my first tube of mascara, but a half hour after I put it on my lashes, it felt like my eyes were being flushed with hot water. I started scratching until my eyelids swelled and itchy, hive-like dots decorated my face. Ever since that traumatic allergic reaction I use mascara sparingly. I think the only time I wore it last year was for my birthday party and no one had gotten a chance to see it anyway because I got too drunk and wound up falling asleep at 11. The only thing I habitually put on my face besides soap and water is chapstick.

There is another thing that distinguishes me from the girly girls, and that’s BOYS. Sadly, all of the girls in my high school were boy-crazed. It was always “who am I going to hook up with tonight??” or “I wonder how I’m going to make So-and-so like me.” I never actively pursued someone which could be attributed to laziness more than anything else. The boys I hung out with and dated in high school had liked me for literally years before they mustered up the courage to ask me out. If they hadn’t gotten their acts together then I would’ve never known they liked me. It’s not that I ignore boys, it’s just they have never been a high priority. Even when I was in a relationship I never got too swept up by the all the love; I never made outlandish comments like we’re going to get married. I always knew that they were temporary relationships and I enjoyed them. Personally, I want to live a whole life before I meet my husband - pay my own bills, live alone in my own apartment, become successful on my own accord.

Food is also another divider. Too many of my girl friends are constantly worrying about calories and fat and all this other appetite-suppressing talk. I don’t eat myself into a coma but I do love food and I eat what I want when I want and I never feel guilty about it. Seriously. There have been days when I eat cheeseburgers and then a few hours later I’m happily gobbling an ice-cream sundae drowning in chocolate syrup. I mostly eat healthily but it’s not a conscious decision, it’s just that thankfully a lot of the foods I love are generally good for me (at school you can catch me eating lettuce dipped into basil vinaigrette dressing. Mmm, so delicious). My big philosophy is you’ve got one life, girl, so if you wanna have a brownie then have a brownie!

I once read this article or book, I forget, that basically said while we only have two sexes - male and female - we have multiple genders from Girly girls to Tomboys to Manly Men and so on. I’m sure there are tons of girls like me who are severely lacking in the femininity department. We could just be a whole sub-set of “female!” I should start a Facebook group.

Or what if gender is fluid and we can pass through different ones during our lifetimes? Like, maybe when I’m 35 I’ll suddenly become make-up, boy and calorie-obsessed.

I really hope that doesn’t happen.

What do you think? Am I onto something here or am I just talking out of my ass?

I wanted to get this really awesome, leopard print hair straightener at the thrift store today, but a bunch of old Betties spotted it and started ragging on “young girls” who foolishly put heat to their hair. I walked up and down the aisle a little more, waiting for them to leave but they kept harping on “the youth of today.” After ten minutes I wanted to yell at them and say “If I don’t straightener my hair it’ll look like a poodle set up house on my head, so get off it!”  Unfortunately, I got sidetracked and saw an amazing, butterfly chair with an awesome cushion. It’s perfect for the common room I share with the DeniseGirls so I quickly grabbed it for only $5. When I went back to the straightener I realized it was gone and surveyed the store, trying to find out who had snatched it. I didn’t see anyone but when I went up to pay for my chair I saw that one of the old ladies had run back into the store to buy it for herself! She kept telling the clerk it was for her granddaughter but she was asking a million questions about whether it hurt to use it. I was so angry.

The annoying thing about thrift stores is that when you see something great you have to get it right away because there is a strong chance that it won’t be there the next time. Once I go back to buy something and see that it’s disappeared, I convince myself that the new owner probably won’t appreciate it as much as I would have, and I go home sulking.

Sigh.

After I brought my chair home I went out with Spaz to the college and lay out on the lush, green lawn. This is normal for us except that it was freshmen orientation today, so we were watching the 2012ers play their name games and introduce themselves over and over. It was so funny and strange because we had to do the same thing last year. The new students were eyeing us and probably wondering why these two crazy girls were sitting around, quietly laughing to themselves. We were at the college for about 2 hours then we went back home. I took a long nap before being awakened by Nuzzler’s call. She’s leaving tomorrow morning for school, so Spaz and I went over her house to see her before she left. As much as I don’t want her to go, I’m realizing that saying goodbye has gotten a lot easier. Last summer I was a pile of tears but this time I hugged Nuzzler and told her I’d most likely see her in October when I visit.

We helped pack her van and now I’m back in my room, trying to pack up my own things. I’ve done at least 150 pounds of laundry and my arms hurt from folding for hours on end (I’m really out of shape!). I’m taking a ridiculous amount of stuff with me but I swear I need it all! Well, maybe I don’t need to bring an entire duffel bag with books labeled “Recreational Reading” because, let’s face it, once the semester starts I won’t be doing any reading for pleasure. I just can’t bear to leave them at home, collecting dust.